Lately, I’ve been feeling disheartened. Tired. Frustrated. And, if I’m being really honest... kind of angry.

Not exactly the most uplifting way to kick off a blog post, I know. But when I started writing here, I made myself a promise: to tell the truth. Even when it’s messy. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when I don’t come off particularly well. Even when there’s no tidy, inspirational takeaway to wrap it all up.

Because honestly - what’s the point otherwise?

Lately, it feels like I’ve got some kind of negativity filter stuck to my brain. Like the lens I’m seeing the world through is cracked, and everything that comes through it looks a little more distorted, a little more heavy.

I made the mistake of diving back into the news recently after months of intentionally staying away - and yeah, that did not help. What is even happening out there? The cruelty, the chaos, the hurt… 

But it’s not just the outside world that’s been getting to me. I’ve been frustrated with myself, too.

More than usual. Maybe it’s those Alex Hormozi interviews I’ve been listening to. Or maybe it’s just this particular season I’m in. But there’s this voice in my head - persistent, sharp, relentless - whispering (okay, shouting):

You should be doing better. Why aren’t you pushing harder? Why aren’t you showing up the way you know you can?

And the louder that voice gets, the more I do what I’ve always done: I retreat. I shut down. I shrink.

Not because anyone’s pushing me away - but because, honestly, I wouldn’t want to be around me when I’m like this. I barely want to be around anyone. When life gets too loud - too fast, too sharp, too much - my whole body just wants to slip into the background. Not in a dramatic “I’m out of here” kind of way. Just far enough to breathe. To reset. 

I keep making promises to myself - wake up earlier, focus on the big stuff, stop putting things off - and I keep breaking them. Even the small ones. And every time I do, I lose trust in myself.

If I can’t even show up for me, how can I show up for the people who count on me?

Why do I keep holding back? Why am I so afraid of going all in - when the only thing worse than failing… is staying stuck?

The last couple of nights, I’ve been surviving on caffeine and willpower. Working late. Pushing through the fog. It’s not healthy, and it’s definitely not sustainable. Right now, I feel pretty wrung out.

But some small part of me hopes that if I can just make it through this stretch, if I can just keep going a little longer… maybe I’ll break through.

Is that true? Maybe not. Maybe this is just what survival mode looks like.

But I do think I’ve finally hit a point where I can’t ignore it anymore - something has to change. I know that deep down. I can feel it. I can’t keep putting it off. I need to step up. I need to move.

Maybe this discomfort - this frustration - is exactly what I need. Not just a signal, but a shove. A sign that I can’t keep circling the same patterns.

Because something’s got to shift. It has to.

And I’m the only one who can make it happen.