I haven’t been very good at showing up on here recently. I keep writing blog posts, reading them back and thinking, “Nah,” then leaving them unfinished. There's quite a few just sitting there, waiting for me to decide whether they’re worth sharing. I think I’ve been waiting until I have something useful to say. Or until I feel a bit more like myself. But recently, I’ve just felt a bit… meh.

Work has felt monotonous and overwhelming, which is a slightly annoying combination. There’s loads to do, yet somehow it still feels like the same day on repeat. If I could spend all day talking to people and meeting with clients, that would be the dream. But running a business also comes with plenty of paperwork and admin. Lots of admin. Necessary? Yep. My idea of a good time? Absolutely not.

Anyway, my days had started merging into one: work, house stuff, more work. I was feeling flat and unmotivated, then getting frustrated with myself for feeling flat and unmotivated. Which, unsurprisingly, didn’t help. I was also annoyed at how much time and energy I was giving to things I’d agreed to without really thinking. Saying yes before checking whether I had the time. Taking things on, then wondering why I felt overwhelmed. Apparently, I still need reminding that being able to do something doesn’t mean I have to agree to do it.

The other evening, I got into bed at about seven and put on Jessie’s course. I’ve spoken about Jessie before and how much she’s helped me understand my thinking. I watched the videos until I could barely keep my eyes open because, once again, I needed reminding of things I already knew. It’s slightly irritating, isn’t it? You learn something about yourself, have a moment of clarity and think, “Right, I get it now.” Then a few weeks later, there you are, doing the same thing again.

My head has been pretty busy. The same unhelpful thoughts going round and round, each demanding another look, as though thinking about them one more time might finally sort everything out. Some of it was work. Some of it was worrying about other people. I’d notice someone seemed unhappy, or that there was a heaviness about them, and I’d carry on thinking about it long after I’d seen them. Could I help? Perhaps this would be good for them. Or that. Or maybe I could have made more of an effort to talk to them. And it just kept going, over and over in my head.

Deep down, I know caring about someone doesn’t mean it’s my job to make everything okay for them. I can listen. I can check in. I can offer to help. But I can’t do their thinking for them, make their decisions or know exactly what they need just because I’ve noticed they seem sad. And yet, apparently, my brain still likes to give it a go. I don’t even know what replaying it all in my head is supposed to achieve. Sometimes all you can do is let someone know you’re there and leave them to decide whether they want to talk. I know that. I just find the leaving-it-there bit quite difficult.

Yesterday gave me a little reminder of how things can shift. I’d started the day pretty stressed about work and annoyed with myself for saying yes to too much. But as the day went on, I spoke to people. Had conversations. Laughed. Got interested in what was happening in front of me. And somewhere along the way, I started to feel lighter. The work was still there. But for a while, I’d stopped going over everything in my head, and I could feel the difference.

So this morning, I messaged Jessie to arrange some more sessions. Clearly, a refresher would be useful. I guess there’s something quite reassuring about being able to recognise that. I don’t have to wait until I’ve completely worn myself out before saying, “Actually, I could do with talking this through.” Having understood something once doesn’t mean I’ll never need help with it again. Clearly. Although that would be convenient.

I also started reading through the notes on my phone. You know those little lines you hear and think, “Ooh, that’s good, I’ll write that down,” then forget about? My phone is full of them. One was about letting go of the things that don’t feel like you. Removing some of the bullshit that gets in the way of being yourself. And as I read it, I realised I’ve already been doing that, gradually, over the years.

I spend much less time on social media now because so much of it just feels like noise. I barely watch the news. I keep my distance from people who are always talking badly about someone else, and I avoid cliquey environments because I never feel comfortable in them. I’ve learnt that I feel better around kind people. People who don’t judge, who care about others and who make you feel like you can just be yourself. I don’t have endless energy, and I’m getting clearer about where I want to spend it.

Reading those notes made me think about where I still give it away. The unnecessary yeses. The worrying that carries on long after there’s anything useful I can do. The thoughts I keep going over when I could let them pass. 

I’ll probably say yes too quickly again. I’ll definitely get caught up in my thinking again. But I’m getting better at noticing. And when I notice, I have a chance to pause, ask for support or do things a little differently. Sometimes that will mean saying no and leaving a bit more time for myself. Other times, it might mean making plans with someone whose company I enjoy. Small things, but they make a difference to how my days feel.

If you’ve been feeling a bit meh too, perhaps it’s worth looking at what’s been filling yours. Have you agreed to more than you have room for? Are you carrying a worry you could talk through with someone? When did you last spend time with a person you feel completely comfortable around, without thinking about what you should be doing instead?

You don’t need to have it all worked out, and you don’t have to change everything at once. But you’re allowed to make a few changes before you’re completely overwhelmed. You can say, “I’d love to help, but I haven’t got the time at the moment.” You can ask for support even if you’ve always managed on your own. And you can make time for something you enjoy without waiting until everything else is done. Otherwise, you might be waiting a while.

As for me, I’m going to share this before I read it again and decide, “Nah.” 🩷