I’ve made it to day 20 - I know, I deserve a medal. That’s nearly three weeks!

I promise I won’t keep giving a day-by-day commentary on this sobriety thing, but I guess I’m just trying to adapt to this new normal. It’s strange - we live in a world that teaches us to expect instant everything - instant results, instant gratification, instant comfort. But real change doesn’t work like that, right? Real change is messy. You have to ride out the rough patches before you even glimpse the long-term benefits. Nothing meaningful ever comes easy - if it did, everyone would be doing it.

I’ll be honest: I don’t feel great right now. I feel anxious. Restless. A little sad. Maybe it’s because, for the first time in a long time, I’m actually living in the real world instead of distracting myself from it.

Before, I was always doing something - exercising, working, buzzing on caffeine, drinking - anything that distracted me from… well, me. I kept my mind constantly busy so I wouldn’t have to sit with whatever was bubbling underneath. But now that I’ve slowed down, all those feelings I used to drown out are suddenly right here. And they’re loud. Like, why are they so loud?

I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable. I keep thinking I was more “useful” when I was numbed out. And yeah, sometimes I catch myself thinking, just go back to that - at least you’ll feel better for a bit.

But I know that’s not the answer. It’s just where my mind goes when I’m frustrated and irritated by how I feel. It’s that craving for quick relief - the easy escape. But that kind of relief always comes with a cost. It feels good for a moment, but it wrecks me in the long run. And I know that. Of course I do.

I’m sitting at home, killing time before my ENT appointment. Normally, I’d throw myself into work to avoid thinking about how I feel - and I’ll probably do that later. I just want to feel normal for a little while. I want the noise of busyness to drown out this uncomfortable quiet that’s settled in.

But hey, at least I’m aware of what I’m doing now. I know I have a hard time resting. I know I avoid feelings - I'm so damn good at that. I can’t expect to change overnight, and maybe that’s what this discomfort really is - change happening in real time. It’s just that feeling your feelings… well, it feels weird.

My anxiety has definitely ramped up since I stopped drinking - especially at night. That’s when my brain decides it’s time to replay every random thought I’ve ever had on a loop.

Before, I’d knock those thoughts out with a few drinks. Now, I’m just left sitting there, wide awake, letting them spin around non stop. I know they’re just thoughts - they don’t mean anything - but tell that to my heart rate at 11pm when I'm trying to wind down.

And to make matters worse, I’ve been sabotaging my own sleep routine. Not on purpose, of course - but when I really think about it… who drinks tea at night and expects to sleep? Yep. Me. That’s who. So, from now on, it’s chamomile all the way.

Also, apparently evening workouts aren’t exactly conducive to winding down. I thought I was wearing myself out - turns out I was just flooding myself with endorphins right before bed. So, I’m swapping spin sessions for a yoga mat…and maybe a little bit of “kumbaya” energy.

The good news? I’ve definitely cut back on caffeine. My body doesn’t crave it like it used to. I still have my morning ritual - two shots of espresso to get going, one more after my workout, and… maybe one more, maximum (okay, that does sound like a lot). But it’s still way less than what I used to drink!

Thinking about how I used to sip coffee all day just to keep functioning, this actually feels like a win. Maybe my body’s starting to reset. Maybe my mind’s learning to operate without being constantly wired.

So there you go… nearly three weeks, and I’m slowly getting there, figuring out how to live in this new normal without completely losing my mind.