This post will be going out on Sunday - and if I actually make it to Sunday, that’ll be day 24 of my sober journey.

If I blinking get there.

Right now, I’m stuck in day 19. This day feels endless… like all I’ve done is write blog posts, squeeze in a couple of exercise classes, and attend a client meeting, and yet somehow it already feels like it should be tomorrow.

For some reason, my mind is racing. There’s this point in the evening where it’s like: “Oh, you think you’re going to sleep? Ha! Think again. We’re just getting started.”

I did a spin class earlier this evening (trying, probably hopelessly, to outrun the mountain of sugar I’ve been eating lately), and yeah - my legs were dead tired. I’ve felt tired most of the day. But now… well, my brain seems to think this is prime time for a chaotic party. Brilliant. Just. Brilliant.

When I got home, out of absolutely nowhere, I really wanted a drink.

I even said it out loud in this overly dramatic, “LUKE, I REALLY WANT A DRINK” kind of way. Luke just looked at me, like: “I don’t know what to do.” Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me either. I just want to numb out. Like, so bad.

But I know how that story ends - waking up tomorrow feeling regretful, foggy, and back at square one. So instead, here I am: sitting in bed with a packet of Minstrels and a cup of tea. Not exactly the ultimate self-care combo, but hey - it’s not alcohol. 

Maybe I should meditate. 

Except I’m too wired to meditate… which probably means I really need to. My mind is buzzing, so I’m writing this instead.

I even wonder if I should change my routine and work at night. My brain would probably love that. Right now, it’s so active I could get a lot done. But then I’d wake up late in the morning, and I really don’t like wasting early hours of the day. Hmmm… not sure.

Also, do you ever have those nights where you work late and then end up dreaming about your work? Yeah… not exactly the best dreams. Sometimes I try to solve really complex problems in my sleep, only for them to make zero sense, and then my brain just goes round and round on repeat. I mean… I can’t be getting great sleep if I’m doing that, right?

Anyway, I’ve got two days until my session with Jessie. No pressure on her (sorry, Jessie), but honestly, I’m hoping she pulls something magical out of the bag because right now I feel like I’m losing it.  

It’s the evenings that get me. Why am I so wired at night? Why is my brain running a thousand miles an hour when all I want is peace? And yeah, the chocolate and tea probably aren’t helping… I realise that now, after inhaling the whole packet.

So here we are.

Wide awake in bed, trying to quiet this overactive mind of mine, and just counting down the hours until I can finally call it Day 20.

Just get me there already.