Last week I had three deep-dive sessions with Jessie, and in the days after, I had some pretty big insights. I started writing about them, but today? Yeah, no.

I feel rough. Fever, aches, foggy head - you know, one of those delightful bugs doing the rounds. My brain hurts, so instead of trying to write something deep and insightful, I thought I’d just write this instead.

Being Ill and Thinking Too Much

Every time I get ill, I end up thinking about my business. Like, what would actually happen if I couldn’t work for a while?

I mean, sure - I have a locum who could step in, but financially? The business would need an extra cushion of funds to stay steady. So, yeah… when I’m better, that’s something I need to sort out.

The good news is, if I died (fun thought, I know), my family would be fine financially - life cover sorted. But if I just got ill, the business? Not so much. Because, well… I am the business.

Also, I hate being ill. It’s that thing where you’re totally fine - until you’re really not.

The “I’m Fine, Really” Stage

Yesterday I went into the office thinking maybe I was just hormonal. (I blame everything on perimenopause these days, even though I’m still not sure I’m actually there yet.)

I even made a GP appointment, mostly so I could finally ask if I’m allowed to keep blaming every little thing on perimenopause. Honestly, though, I thought I’d be fine.

By lunchtime, I was freezing, shivering, and still trying to convince myself to “just finish one more thing.” Then I got convinced I had COVID because I ate a yoghurt and it didn’t taste like anything. I rang Luke to tell him, and he said, “Sarah… I think you’re just fitting the symptoms to what you think it is.” Fair point. It was a plain yoghurt.

By the time I got in the car, I was full-on shivering. Heated seat on, temperature up to 24°C, hands shoved in the air vents to heat them up. When I got home, I basically crawled through the door and told Luke I couldn’t move. (And yeah, fine, I might be slightly dramatic when I’m ill. Slightly.)

Enter: The Sports Direct Mug

I turned on the heater in the front room and sat in front of it, trying to warm up. Eventually, I thawed enough to drag myself to bed, take some paracetamol, and drink a hot cup of tea.

Remember how I mentioned in a previous post that you can fit a whole can of Heinz soup in a Sports Direct mug? Well, I’m now the proud owner of one again. So there I was, in bed, sipping tomato soup from my ginormous mug… and it was so good.

Of course, I spilled some on my jumper. Then, about 40 minutes later, the paracetamol kicked in and I was up again - putting a wash on (because tomato stains wait for no one), replying to emails, pretending I was fine.

Luke looked at me like, “Are you okay now?” and I was like, “Yeah, I can move again.” Then, obviously, I crashed again about an hour later.

Fever TV and Red Scribbles

So I gave up and watched the end of Celebrity Traitors with Noah. These days, I barely watch TV, but we got completely hooked. It’s so addictive.

It really made me think about how often we get people wrong - and how overthinking just makes everything messier. People were convinced someone was the traitor when they weren’t, and their overthinking sent them down completely wrong paths.

It was funny watching Charlotte Church be so sure of herself at the round table every time - and then be completely wrong. But it’s also kind of a lesson, isn’t it?

Remember how I mentioned in a previous post that Jessie once drew me a picture of overthinking - a big red scribble above your head? The more you get tangled in it, the bigger it grows. Meanwhile, your inner knowing - that calm blue dot - gets harder and harder to hear.

Watching Traitors felt like one giant, chaotic red scribble in action. Most people were completely operating from their scribbles, and the red mess just kept growing bigger and bigger.

Small Kindnesses

When Kate spoke at dinner and after being voted off - sharing how the last few years had been sad, controlled, and inward-looking, and how the show helped her feel positive again and actually have fun - it made me a little emotional. (I’m blaming the fever.)

But it really highlighted how heavy life feels when you’re stuck looking inward and rigid, versus how much lighter and more joyful it feels when you open up and look outward again.

And even though I felt rubbish yesterday, little kindnesses showed up. The receptionist at work brought me marshmallows and extendable toasting forks for the campfire we’re doing at the weekend. Someone I’d helped recently sent me a really thoughtful gift.

And I just thought: this is it. This is what I want now - to be around kind people, to have peace, and to eat soup from giant mugs.

The Fever Takeaway

There really are a lot of kind people out there. You just notice them more when you’re not stuck in your own head - when you actually look up and let life in.

Slowing down, feeling human again, and noticing the good people around you gets a whole lot easier once you stop getting tangled in that red scribble. 🩷