Anyway, somewhere in that irritation, I thought: right. In this small corner of the world that I actually have some say over, I’m going to make a few decisions.

First, I’m going to trust that the person I keep worrying about can work out what they need to do. I can care, I can listen if they want to talk, and I can be there if they need me. But going over their situation in my head at ten o’clock at night isn’t making their life any easier. It’s just making mine harder. And honestly, I’m not quite sure what I think I’m going to solve by lying awake thinking about it. As though one more hour of worrying will give me an answer that the last two didn’t.

I’m going to give it some proper effort. Much as I hate to admit it, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself the other day. But I’d rather put that energy into giving this dream a chance and seeing where it takes me. Will I achieve everything I imagine in my wildest, slightly ridiculous dreams? Who knows. Maybe not. But I’ll never find out if I let other people’s doubts make the decision for me. And even if it doesn’t all work out the way I hope, at least I’ll have given it a chance. At least I’ll know I tried. And there's satisfaction in that alone.

I’ve also decided to make time each day for the gym or some kind of exercise, even if it’s only a short session. And I want to catch up with friends and do more of the things I enjoy, because they help me feel grounded and more like myself. I keep treating these things as though they can wait until everything else is finished, which, let’s be honest, is a fairly effective way of never getting around to them. There will always be something else to do. I need to stop making the things that help me feel good the first things I drop.

And I’ve decided to book some more sessions with Jessie because, well, I could do with a refresher on everything she’s taught me. I know how much it helps, and lately I’ve noticed I could really do with that support again.

Look, I’ll still get distracted. I’ll say yes when I haven’t really got time, worry about things I can’t do anything about and pick up my phone for five minutes that somehow turns into forty. But I’m getting better at catching myself. And when I do, I can put the phone down, rethink that yes or get on with something I actually want to do.

I think that’s what’s helping: making a few decisions about what I want to do, then actually getting on with them. I’ll still get distracted, obviously. But it feels good to spend a bit more time doing the things I keep saying matter to me. 🩷