Do you ever have one of those days where everything seems to go wrong in this quiet, sneaky little way… and then it hits you that you are the common denominator? Yeah. Welcome to my day. (And yes, I’m writing this on a Wednesday, in case you were wondering… because obviously that’s important.)

I had to get up earlier than usual because I had a meeting and still hadn’t finished the prep, so I made a very serious promise to myself that I would be calm, quiet and basically invisible around the house. Somehow, I managed to be unbelievably loud. I don’t even understand how it happened. I dropped my eye-makeup remover on the bathroom floor like it had launched itself out of my hand, and then, just to really keep the momentum going, I tripped over my own bag in the bedroom a few minutes later.

And can I just say… I was trying to get ready in the dark. In the dark. What level of grace and coordination were we realistically expecting here? I don’t exactly have a strong track record with either of those at the best of times.

And look… you know how I said I’ve got hearing aids now? I technically do. I just don’t really wear them (unless I’m watching TV). And yes, they are genuinely amazing for that, which would strongly suggest I should probably be wearing them all the time. But apparently I enjoy living on hard mode. The other day I was in an exercise class and another member started talking to me - not even far away, just… a perfectly normal, socially acceptable distance. Unfortunately, there was music playing in the background, and I spent the entire conversation smiling politely and saying “Pardon?” to absolutely everything he said.

So this morning I had to go back to the hospital so they could see how I was getting on with them. I had to admit that I wasn’t really wearing them. She very kindly put them in my ears for me, like I was five years old, and sent me on my way. From there I drove off to get petrol because my warning light was flashing. Yes, I know you’re not supposed to let it get that low, but it’s weirdly exciting. It becomes a real-life game show. Will I make it to the nearest petrol station? I did. I won. While I was sitting in the car feeling smug about surviving, I decided to play around with my hearing aids before I went in to pay. I started poking what I thought was the battery compartment. It wasn’t. It was another part of the hearing aid. Which I then promptly broke. Brilliant.

By the time I finally got into the office to finish preparing for my meeting, I was already on my third coffee and having actual, noticeable heart palpitations. Which is always a comforting sign. Naturally, I decided the sensible next step was to increase my caffeine intake even further and have a fourth coffee, because at that point I’d clearly committed to the chaos and there was no turning back. I’m not entirely sure what I thought the extra coffee was going to do for me. Fix my life, maybe. Make me suddenly organised and emotionally stable.

Do you ever stop and think, what on earth is actually wrong with me? Because I do. A lot. Like the other day when I was in Morrisons with Noah (my son) and he suddenly asked if he could get Nutella, I completely froze. My brain short-circuited and I started giving this hesitant half-lecture about sugar and balance and health and life choices… and Noah just looked at me and said, “Mum, you can just say no, you know.” Oh. Right. Thank you, my eleven-year-old life coach. Why do I need a child to tell me how to decline a jar of chocolate spread? And for the record - no, I’m not even that health-conscious. He already had watermelon ice lollies and a bottle of Rubicon in the trolley. So this wasn’t a principled stand. It was just… me, dramatically overthinking Nutella in the bread aisle.

And while we’re on the topic of questionable life choices, the other day I actually bought a bottle of Evian - you know, that fancy bottled water. And then I thought… Evian spelled backwards is naive. Which feels kind of personal. I still remember back at university in a marketing class when we had to do a blind taste test and guess which cup was bottled water. Nobody could tell. Nobody. So yeah… lesson learned. I’m not buying Evian again. Now I drink Buxton instead. Because Buxton is… less naive, right? Right...

Anyway, today has basically been one long chain of tiny, unnecessary problems - most of which I created myself - but I did make it to the petrol station, I only broke one very small and very expensive piece of medical equipment, and I’m basically a jittery mess powered by pure caffeine right now. I mean… it could be worse, right? 🩷